The story of Olympian, Mim Kagrini

This Olympic success story, ladies and gentlemen, is about a young swimmer who brought herself up out of the ghetto of Rittenhouse Square, Philadelphia to become the greatest swimmer in the world. And she is has brown hair.

Mim Kagrini was an underprivileged youth in destitute America. While all her peers were playing with iPhones and their own Dance Dance Revolution machines, poor Mim had only a Nintendo Wii and Guitar Hero to pass her hours. She had only one maid and no chauffeur. Her house on Delancy St had only 4 bedrooms, rather than the standard 6. Mim also has a bicycle nd cuts her fingernails often.

Don't get down, folks, this is one of many feel good stories NBC is broadcasting instead of showing people from affluent countries like Romania and Togo compete for Olympic medals. So stay tuned for another 43 minutes while we run through a day in the life of Mim Kagrini, and then interview her asking banal questions, and then show a series of her baby pictures, and then take a long commercial break. Oh dear, it's almost past my bed time already, Mim is just such a fascinating woman!

Now to a day in the life of Mim.

6:30am - wake up
6:33am - go to the bathroom
7:00am - eat breakfast - 3 eggs over easy, 3 pieces of bacon, 3 pieces of sausage, 3 glasses of orange juice, 3 blueberries, 3 pieces of white bread home slice, topped off with 3 chocolate chip pancakes
7:30am - burp a few times
8:00am - go back to sleep
9:00am - wake up and watch the Golden Girls
10:00am - go back to sleep
12:00pm - eat lunch - 3 hard boiled eggs, 3 ham and cheese sandwiches, 3 avocados, 3 milkshakes, 1 coconut
1:00-5:00pm - swim training with her ghetto goggles - just keep swimming, just keep swimming

5:00pm - eat dinner - 3 chickens, 3 pork chops, 3 leafs of spinach, 3 white chocolate macadamia nut cookies
6:00pm - watch a movie
9:00pm - go to bed

Interview with Bob Costas.

Bob: So Mim, what's your favorite color?
Mim: Thanks for the question Bob. This is a tough question that requires a hard look at social relationships and policy considerations. In my opinion, teal is my favorite color.
Bob: Teal, wow. What an interesting perspective. How has this outlook shaped your career?
Mim: Well Bob, thanks for the question. Since I love teal, I wear only teal. I have a teal colored bathing suit and teal window drapes. I also spray paint my dog teal and my carpet is teal. I find that the more I surround myself with teal, the less I can see any other problems outside my peripheral vision.
Bob: Peripheral vision - why is that so important to you?
Mim: Peripheral vision is the basis to all my success. When I was young in the Rittenhood, I used my peripheral vision to spy on my neighbor friends and learn a few dance moves, from watching them play on their personal DDR machines. Then I'd use my peripheral vision to make sure my parents weren't looking when I snuck out of our mansion to the arcade to play DDR in public. How embarrassing.
Bob: That must have been hard for you. What was your dog's name?
Mim: Gary.
Bob: Gary is a great name.
Mim: Yes, Gary is a wonderful teal colored dog. I had another dog, Murray, but he was fed to the monkeys.
Bob: Monkeys?
Mim: Yes, in Africa.
Bob: You're a pretty good interviewer.
Mim: Likewise I'm sure.
Bob: Well that's it with Mim Kagrini. What a fascinating individual, such intelligence and strength of character behind that sporty fascade. We wish her luck in this Olympics in her quest for 131 gold medals.

Baby pictures of Mim Kagrini.

This broadcast is brought to you by McDonalds - our high performance Big Mack contains a healthy head of lettuce, 4 tomatoes, fake bread and a delicious no "beef" patty. Mmmmm...eat it and you'll be faster. Catchy tune.

Oh by the way, Mim weighs in at a lofty 250. They say she is so large the amount of water she displaces disrupts all the other swimmers, paving the way for Mim to win.